I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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