I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
