mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
