im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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