it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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