new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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