how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
