My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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