i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
