at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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