I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
