if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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