what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
