I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
