dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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