Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So much Jack, so little girl.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
