After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
