she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
