I think I died a long time ago.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
