ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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