You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
