Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
