Where did you get a picture of my penis
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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