That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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