I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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