just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
