we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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