I got chris browned last night
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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