the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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