at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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