I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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