I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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