sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
