you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
