i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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