In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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