When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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