In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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