I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
