I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
