i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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