If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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