Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
