I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
