I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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