They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
