You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
