that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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