I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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