News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
