Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
